Colors
by Moacat
Summary: Thalia reflects on her life and relationship with Luke and Annabeth while she keeps watch on her dead brother's birthday. Songfic to the song "Colors" by Halsey. T for language.


**Hey guys! This is a little songfic to the song "Colors" by Halsey. Please review!**

 _Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so_

Her thoughts strayed to Jason, as they often did on this day. The pain of losing him was like an empty, gaping wound. It had happened years ago, but it still felt raw and fresh. He had been the only reason she had stayed. And now she was left alone, with only a haunted boy and a little girl left as company.

 _You said your mother only smiled on her tv show_

Her mother. Her mother, who laughed and partied and _lived_ on the tv screen, who came home drunk after fucking some random guy on set and slapped Thalia, cursed her for driving her father away. Her mother, who loved her little brother so much and detested Thalia at the same time. Who let Jason die.

 _You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope_

Why did she do it? Was it the drugs, the drinking? How could she have sat by and let her son be killed? He was only _two_ , what kind of monster could bear to abandon their child like that?

 _I hope you make it to the day you're twenty-eight years old_

Thalia laughed then, a cruel, mirthless laugh that echoed down the empty alleyway where she was keeping watch. Would she make it to twenty-eight? If this many monsters were going to keep trying to kill her her entire life, then she didn't stand a chance. Besides, she had Luke, with his blue, blue eyes to protect, and little Annabeth, whom she would gladly die for. Was there ever going to be somewhere safe?

 _You're dripping like a saturated sunrise_

 _You're spilling like an overflowing sink_

 _You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece_

Was she alone, then? She had them. She had Luke, whose smile could make her whole day brighter, who helped her up when she fell down, who protected her from herself. She had Annabeth, who looked up to her with wide, trusting eyes, who depended on her to survive, who regarded her as dear as a sister. She would never leave them to brave this cruel, fucked up world alone.

 _And now I'm tearing through the pages and the ink_

On good days, her mother would let Thalia read through her scripts, live the life she portrayed on screen. But on bad days, Thalia watched her mother shed the kindness she adopted to suit her needs and reveal her true personality. Under the mask, Beryl Grace was worse to bear than the monsters Thalia now killed to protect herself.

 _Everything is blue_

 _His pills, his hands his jeans_

 _And now I'm covered in the colors pull apart at the seams_

Luke's eyes were such an alluring shade of blue, the kind you could get lost in forever. She knew from experience, she had gotten lost in them many, many times. Her whole life seemed like it was cloaked in a dull shade of blue, murky and slow, like she existed outside her own body.

 _And it's blue_

 _And it's blue_

But blue was better than having no color at all. Luke had no color.

 _Everything is grey_

 _His hair, his smoke, his dreams_

Luke dreamed of a place where they could be safe, where they could rest without worrying, where they could grow old and have more than two changes of clothes, where they could live with others like them. Luke dreamed of a home.

 _And now he's so devoid of color_

 _He don't know what it means_

 _And he's blue_

 _And he's blue_

She knew Luke. _He_ was home to her, he was the one who kept her safe. But she knew he had secrets, he had things he wasn't willing to share with her. He was blue, but in a different way. His blue was unreliable, so bright it almost hurt to look at. He was many colors, and yet at the same time he was none.

 _You were a vision in the morning when the light came through_

 _I know I've only felt religion when I lied with you_

Thalia was never religious, and she knew the monsters that hunted her and her companions had nothing to do with God. But when she looked into Annabeth's clear grey eyes, or held Luke's hand at night, she could almost feel like someone was watching over them.

 _You said you'll never be forgiven 'til your boys are too_

 _And I'm still waking every morning but it's not with you_

Today was Jason's birthday, something she didn't share with Luke or Annabeth, something she chose to go through alone. Her little baby brother, with his goofy smile and little scar from when he tried to eat a stapler, who used to put spiderman band-aids on the scars on her wrists, who made her promise to never again make herself bleed. Gone now, like her mother's sanity, like Thalia's childhood.

 _You're dripping like a saturated sunrise_

 _You're spilling like an overflowing sink_

 _You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece_

 _And now I'm tearing through the pages and the ink_

And now she watched her friends sleep, looking more childlike and innocent than they ever would again while awake. Now she ran her hands over the barely visible lines of white that streaked across her inner wrists, pondering what it would feel like to pierce the tender skin once again.

 _Everything is blue_

 _His hands, his clothes, his jeans_

 _And now I'm covered in the colors pull apart at the seams_

 _And it's blue_

Would Luke still want her, if they found safety, or was she just a convenience, a way to make life seem not so dull and violent?

 _And it's blue_

Would she still want him?

 _Everything is grey_

 _His hair, his smoke, his dreams_

 _And now he's so devoid of color_

 _He don't know what it means_

 _And he's blue_

The sky lightened its blue hue in welcome for the sun. Stars dimly glittered in the approaching dawn, and Annabeth murmured something in her sleep. Had this really become her life?

 _And he's blue_

Luke was many things, many colors. She had turned down the Hunters of Artemis for him, because she couldn't bear to leave him. Yet she couldn't help but wonder about whether or not she had made the right choice.

 _You were red, and you liked me because I was blue_

 _But you touched me, and suddenly I was a lilac sky_

Luke had changed her in so many ways, and for the better, but what about him? What had her presence in his life done to him?

 _Then you decided purple just wasn't for you_

The sun was rising now, and her companions started to stir. Thalia shook herself out of her pondering, schooling her features into an indifferent mask.

 _Everything is blue_

 _His pills, his hands, his jeans_

 _And now I'm covered in the colors pull apart at the seams_

She disguised herself with a rebellious personality, hid her wounds with stitches. She wouldn't let anyone see her bleed.

 _And it's blue_

 _And it's blue_

The city was waking now, doors slamming, cars starting. People liked to wake up with the sun.

 _Everything is grey_

 _His hair, his smoke, his dreams_

 _And now he's so devoid of color_

 _He don't know what it means_

It was a matter of minutes before Annabeth and Luke woke, before they packed up, left the alley they had slept in for the night, and did the same exact thing a town over. Before they danced the same dance again and again, a dance of secret kisses and hands clutched in the dark, of tears and smiles and always running. And she was so, so tired of running.

 _And he's blue_

 _And he's blue._


End file.
